Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I needed some time to regain composure from the week before. I was under so much stress, which led to more stress, which led to sugar binges almost every night of the week. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty down. I needed an action plan, and fast!
It's so hard to come up with an action plan when you don't really know what's causing these urges to happen. When people try to help, it's so frustrating when you have to tell them that there's no way they can help, or that I don't know how to tell them to help me. One person asked me "Why are you wanting to hurt yourself?" Yes, it may seem like that's what I'm doing, and it is, but I don't WANT to hurt myself. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than to be normal.
Anyway, I've basically come to the conclusion that I can't be "trusted" when around sweets (or any junk food), but that I don't want to deprive myself completely. That's what got me here in the first place. So my mom and I came up with a plan. She gives me one sweet each day. I don't know what the sweet will be, which gives me an element of surprise, and I only get it if I have not binged that day. I'm going about this like I'm 4 years old, but hey, if being treated like I'm 4 helps, then by all means!
Result: Last week, I was (pretty much) binge free, although yesterday it was very hard because Sunday is the most difficult day for me. I did get through it though, and I'm very happy about that. I will say that I went to a party on Saturday and I did overindulge a bit (okay, maybe a whole lot)...but I know that it's normal to do that sometimes, especially at parties.
I will say that even though I knew I was getting a sweet at the end of each day, I still wanted to constantly binge, and I'm not sure what stopped me. All I know is, I'm working on it. The cookies are still in the pantry. The rainbow chip icing is still in the fridge, and the "s'more-makings" are still intact (they're what I want the most).
I want to thank all of you who have given me advice through this. It helps to know that I have people behind me who are supporting me no matter what happens, whether you know me or not. It's truly a blessing to be able to rant on here and get supportive comments instead of negative ones. For that, I'm truly grateful and will look back on these for support when I need it.
(Self Talk: Let's try for another successful week, Lauren! You've got this!)
Hopefully it won't be a week before I post again! :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Self-Help
(Note; Please don't think I'm schizophrenic, psycho or depressed. I know myself better than anyone else, and I know that self-talk helps me. Here is an attempt at that. Please don't worry about the negativity. I do actually like myself... I just need to give myself a wake-up call.)
Lauren.... what the hell are you doing?
You've spent the last year working your hiney off, literally!! You've lost 120 pounds, and you're throwing it all away! ALL FOR SUGAR!!!!!!!!! Why!!!!!!????? It's just food! It's the food that got you to be so heavy in the first place!! It's the food that's caused you to waste your time losing the weight that should never have gotten there! Your time has been wasted trying to get yourself healthy! ALL BECAUSE OF PROCESSED SUGARY FATTY FOODS, SODA, AND FAST FOODS!!!!!!
It's great that you've kept the exercising up while bingeing at night, BUT WHY BINGE? You're being a hypocrite exercising so much and throwing your efforts for the day away!!! YOUR CLOTHES ARE STARTING TO GET A LITTLE SNUG WHEN THEY WERE FALLING OFF OF YOU JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO! Yes, fine, you still are at a healthy weight for your height, BUT YOUR BEHAVIOR WILL CHANGE THAT RAPIDLY AND YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN! You're BETTER than that! DON'T LOSE THE WAR!
It's great that you didn't binge yesterday, but you did eat like crap. Bojangles, cake, margaritas, mexican food, and fried ice cream are NOT good for you!! It's processed crap! Sugary crap! After eating Bos, you felt like you were bathing in a vat of grease! DISGUSTING!!! REMEMBER HOW AWESOME IT FEELS WHEN YOU EAT YOUR HEALTHY FOOD!!!!!! It's a completely different feeling!!!! You feel more "fresh and vital" Please remember that!
You are a beautiful person no matter what size you are, however, you know that you have more confidence when you're healthy. You will be so embarrassed if you let yourself go again. What will people say? Don't let them say anything, Lauren, except how wonderful you look and how inspirational you are!
Come back!!!!! Please!!!!! Your body needs you! Your family needs you! Your students need you! Your "potential future family" needs you! This world needs you!
To my readers:
Okay... so this is me saying I'm back! I will win! I will gain control. I've got this. I deserve it. I'm back.
Lauren.... what the hell are you doing?
You've spent the last year working your hiney off, literally!! You've lost 120 pounds, and you're throwing it all away! ALL FOR SUGAR!!!!!!!!! Why!!!!!!????? It's just food! It's the food that got you to be so heavy in the first place!! It's the food that's caused you to waste your time losing the weight that should never have gotten there! Your time has been wasted trying to get yourself healthy! ALL BECAUSE OF PROCESSED SUGARY FATTY FOODS, SODA, AND FAST FOODS!!!!!!
It's great that you've kept the exercising up while bingeing at night, BUT WHY BINGE? You're being a hypocrite exercising so much and throwing your efforts for the day away!!! YOUR CLOTHES ARE STARTING TO GET A LITTLE SNUG WHEN THEY WERE FALLING OFF OF YOU JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO! Yes, fine, you still are at a healthy weight for your height, BUT YOUR BEHAVIOR WILL CHANGE THAT RAPIDLY AND YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN! You're BETTER than that! DON'T LOSE THE WAR!
It's great that you didn't binge yesterday, but you did eat like crap. Bojangles, cake, margaritas, mexican food, and fried ice cream are NOT good for you!! It's processed crap! Sugary crap! After eating Bos, you felt like you were bathing in a vat of grease! DISGUSTING!!! REMEMBER HOW AWESOME IT FEELS WHEN YOU EAT YOUR HEALTHY FOOD!!!!!! It's a completely different feeling!!!! You feel more "fresh and vital" Please remember that!
You are a beautiful person no matter what size you are, however, you know that you have more confidence when you're healthy. You will be so embarrassed if you let yourself go again. What will people say? Don't let them say anything, Lauren, except how wonderful you look and how inspirational you are!
Come back!!!!! Please!!!!! Your body needs you! Your family needs you! Your students need you! Your "potential future family" needs you! This world needs you!
To my readers:
Okay... so this is me saying I'm back! I will win! I will gain control. I've got this. I deserve it. I'm back.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Meltdown... and a "break-thru"
I've gained 9 pounds. I'm trying to be okay with that. My clothes still fit, my fitness is still on top of the world... I am eating sweets. Lots of sweets... at night. This is a problem. A problem that I don't know how to stop.
I never really understood the reason behind my compulsive eating. It comes in spells. This spell has lasted for about a month or so. Last night, I had my worst episode yet. I won't go into what I ate, but I will say they were very sugary foods, and that it lasted for about an hour. The problem is, it felt wonderful for every second. This is sickening behavior and will deter all of my hard work. I still don't know how to stop it. People don't understand this problem unless they have it themselves. I don't want to be a pig. I'm disgusted with myself. I continue to exercise to "counteract my behavior." It's not really working.
My break-thru is... I eat comfort foods while I'm under a lot of stress. I've been under tons of stress with school (I'm a 3rd grade teacher) trying to prepare my kids for their end of grade tests (which they did very well on...), and trying to wrap up the school year (paperwork for each student, report cards, getting ready for my class next year, etc...). So there's that. I'm not behind, but I'm getting there quickly if I don't get my act together RIGHT NOW.
To top it all off, yesterday, I went to the gym for my hourly treadmill routine and my 20 minute tanning session, and when I get back to the car, mom says "your A/C is broken." GREAT!!!!!! The repair man says that he can't fix it until Friday or Saturday and that there is a leak either in the compressor or the evaporator (and I'm pretending I know what all of this means.) Bottom line, it's going to cost me around $2000 to get it fixed (could be a little more, could be a little less.) Lovely, I'm a teacher. I can afford it. Needless to say, that's when the chocolate and wine were broken out and enjoyed. It was all downhill from there. The floodgates opened.
I want to eat sweets all the time, but I still have the desire to exercise. How weird is that? I need to get these binges under control because they're happening much more often now. They used to be once or twice a month. Now they're at a consistency of 3-5 times per week. THAT'S TERRIBLE. I've tried chewing gum, I've tried drinking hot sweet drinks, I've tried only having a little bit of something sweet... nothing is working. This is what happens when I allow myself to let go. I'm not mature enough to have anything sweet in my house.
At 25, I can't control myself. I'm a freaking baby who wants everything in sight. Doesn't matter if I'm stuffed from everything else. This is disgusting. People are starving in this world and I'm gorging on crap. Complete crap.
I don't want to deprive myself, but if the sweets aren't in my house, I can't eat them. So I'm just going to get rid of everything I find myself wanting. If I want something, I'm going to have to go out and buy it myself. Maybe this will deter me, especially now that I'm in the hole $2000.
So now I know that I eat compulsively under stress. I also just think I'm a selfish person who sees food and must have it. All I know is, I'm heading in the wrong direction quickly, and don't know what to do. I don't see how talking about it with professionals would help because they can't be with me all the time to make sure I'm making the right choices.
Okay this is turning into a ramble, so I'm going to quit. Thanks for listening, even though you probably find me a disgusting and selfish person at this stage of the game.
I never really understood the reason behind my compulsive eating. It comes in spells. This spell has lasted for about a month or so. Last night, I had my worst episode yet. I won't go into what I ate, but I will say they were very sugary foods, and that it lasted for about an hour. The problem is, it felt wonderful for every second. This is sickening behavior and will deter all of my hard work. I still don't know how to stop it. People don't understand this problem unless they have it themselves. I don't want to be a pig. I'm disgusted with myself. I continue to exercise to "counteract my behavior." It's not really working.
My break-thru is... I eat comfort foods while I'm under a lot of stress. I've been under tons of stress with school (I'm a 3rd grade teacher) trying to prepare my kids for their end of grade tests (which they did very well on...), and trying to wrap up the school year (paperwork for each student, report cards, getting ready for my class next year, etc...). So there's that. I'm not behind, but I'm getting there quickly if I don't get my act together RIGHT NOW.
To top it all off, yesterday, I went to the gym for my hourly treadmill routine and my 20 minute tanning session, and when I get back to the car, mom says "your A/C is broken." GREAT!!!!!! The repair man says that he can't fix it until Friday or Saturday and that there is a leak either in the compressor or the evaporator (and I'm pretending I know what all of this means.) Bottom line, it's going to cost me around $2000 to get it fixed (could be a little more, could be a little less.) Lovely, I'm a teacher. I can afford it. Needless to say, that's when the chocolate and wine were broken out and enjoyed. It was all downhill from there. The floodgates opened.
I want to eat sweets all the time, but I still have the desire to exercise. How weird is that? I need to get these binges under control because they're happening much more often now. They used to be once or twice a month. Now they're at a consistency of 3-5 times per week. THAT'S TERRIBLE. I've tried chewing gum, I've tried drinking hot sweet drinks, I've tried only having a little bit of something sweet... nothing is working. This is what happens when I allow myself to let go. I'm not mature enough to have anything sweet in my house.
At 25, I can't control myself. I'm a freaking baby who wants everything in sight. Doesn't matter if I'm stuffed from everything else. This is disgusting. People are starving in this world and I'm gorging on crap. Complete crap.
I don't want to deprive myself, but if the sweets aren't in my house, I can't eat them. So I'm just going to get rid of everything I find myself wanting. If I want something, I'm going to have to go out and buy it myself. Maybe this will deter me, especially now that I'm in the hole $2000.
So now I know that I eat compulsively under stress. I also just think I'm a selfish person who sees food and must have it. All I know is, I'm heading in the wrong direction quickly, and don't know what to do. I don't see how talking about it with professionals would help because they can't be with me all the time to make sure I'm making the right choices.
Okay this is turning into a ramble, so I'm going to quit. Thanks for listening, even though you probably find me a disgusting and selfish person at this stage of the game.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Relaxing...just relaxing
Warning: Boring!!!
(Perhaps I should label every post with this warning because I'm sure my posts are boring for many of you.)
This past week has given me a lot to think about. Last weekend, I was very weak, eating everything in sight. (It was a 3 day weekend after all, including a wedding shower with yummy food, and Memorial Day barbecue). It was like the old "eating" Lauren was returning, but the exercise never stopped.
Okay so obviously I'm struggling. I so desperately want to keep this weight off, but my love for decadent sweets is prevailing. And... I think I should be able to have them! I definitely work out enough! I've said over and over, I need to let go and relax a little bit. I've pretty much decided to allow myself one "forbidden" sweet a day. I have no plans to let up on my exercise, so hopefully this won't be a big deal, and will prevent so many future "binges."
I've also learned that I've become preoccupied with the scale. The number on it determines my mood for the rest of the day/week... and if my attitude sucks, so will my eating habits. So, I've made a decision to not rely on the scale and rely on how I feel and how my clothes fit. My clothes will let me know my progress. Also, I've had a lot of people tell me that I've gotten too skinny. That may or may not be true, but I think that if I continue to exercise and allow myself the food I want (sensibly and in moderation, of course), my weight will stabilize at where it wants to be. If that means gaining a few pounds, then I'm okay with that (well I'll try to be.)
Man... will these experiments ever stop? :)
(Perhaps I should label every post with this warning because I'm sure my posts are boring for many of you.)
This past week has given me a lot to think about. Last weekend, I was very weak, eating everything in sight. (It was a 3 day weekend after all, including a wedding shower with yummy food, and Memorial Day barbecue). It was like the old "eating" Lauren was returning, but the exercise never stopped.
Okay so obviously I'm struggling. I so desperately want to keep this weight off, but my love for decadent sweets is prevailing. And... I think I should be able to have them! I definitely work out enough! I've said over and over, I need to let go and relax a little bit. I've pretty much decided to allow myself one "forbidden" sweet a day. I have no plans to let up on my exercise, so hopefully this won't be a big deal, and will prevent so many future "binges."
I've also learned that I've become preoccupied with the scale. The number on it determines my mood for the rest of the day/week... and if my attitude sucks, so will my eating habits. So, I've made a decision to not rely on the scale and rely on how I feel and how my clothes fit. My clothes will let me know my progress. Also, I've had a lot of people tell me that I've gotten too skinny. That may or may not be true, but I think that if I continue to exercise and allow myself the food I want (sensibly and in moderation, of course), my weight will stabilize at where it wants to be. If that means gaining a few pounds, then I'm okay with that (well I'll try to be.)
Man... will these experiments ever stop? :)
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