I've gained 9 pounds. I'm trying to be okay with that. My clothes still fit, my fitness is still on top of the world... I am eating sweets. Lots of sweets... at night. This is a problem. A problem that I don't know how to stop.
I never really understood the reason behind my compulsive eating. It comes in spells. This spell has lasted for about a month or so. Last night, I had my worst episode yet. I won't go into what I ate, but I will say they were very sugary foods, and that it lasted for about an hour. The problem is, it felt wonderful for every second. This is sickening behavior and will deter all of my hard work. I still don't know how to stop it. People don't understand this problem unless they have it themselves. I don't want to be a pig. I'm disgusted with myself. I continue to exercise to "counteract my behavior." It's not really working.
My break-thru is... I eat comfort foods while I'm under a lot of stress. I've been under tons of stress with school (I'm a 3rd grade teacher) trying to prepare my kids for their end of grade tests (which they did very well on...), and trying to wrap up the school year (paperwork for each student, report cards, getting ready for my class next year, etc...). So there's that. I'm not behind, but I'm getting there quickly if I don't get my act together RIGHT NOW.
To top it all off, yesterday, I went to the gym for my hourly treadmill routine and my 20 minute tanning session, and when I get back to the car, mom says "your A/C is broken." GREAT!!!!!! The repair man says that he can't fix it until Friday or Saturday and that there is a leak either in the compressor or the evaporator (and I'm pretending I know what all of this means.) Bottom line, it's going to cost me around $2000 to get it fixed (could be a little more, could be a little less.) Lovely, I'm a teacher. I can afford it. Needless to say, that's when the chocolate and wine were broken out and enjoyed. It was all downhill from there. The floodgates opened.
I want to eat sweets all the time, but I still have the desire to exercise. How weird is that? I need to get these binges under control because they're happening much more often now. They used to be once or twice a month. Now they're at a consistency of 3-5 times per week. THAT'S TERRIBLE. I've tried chewing gum, I've tried drinking hot sweet drinks, I've tried only having a little bit of something sweet... nothing is working. This is what happens when I allow myself to let go. I'm not mature enough to have anything sweet in my house.
At 25, I can't control myself. I'm a freaking baby who wants everything in sight. Doesn't matter if I'm stuffed from everything else. This is disgusting. People are starving in this world and I'm gorging on crap. Complete crap.
I don't want to deprive myself, but if the sweets aren't in my house, I can't eat them. So I'm just going to get rid of everything I find myself wanting. If I want something, I'm going to have to go out and buy it myself. Maybe this will deter me, especially now that I'm in the hole $2000.
So now I know that I eat compulsively under stress. I also just think I'm a selfish person who sees food and must have it. All I know is, I'm heading in the wrong direction quickly, and don't know what to do. I don't see how talking about it with professionals would help because they can't be with me all the time to make sure I'm making the right choices.
Okay this is turning into a ramble, so I'm going to quit. Thanks for listening, even though you probably find me a disgusting and selfish person at this stage of the game.
No, I don't think you're selfish and disgusting, not even a little bit.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was very, obsessively concerned about diet and exercise, it was my hobby. Every moment was spent agonizing over it. Oh, I would do a few other things and they would often be welcome respite from the relentless obsession, but they never occupied me like my fixation on my appearance.
Your self-worth has absolutely nothing to do with what you eat, your size, your fitness level. When one's self-worth is tied up in these things, one does everything possible to control them, and feels like a failure when things don't go as planned.
I personally think it can be a terrible thing when people lose weight and receive positive reinforcement from all sides (television, magazines, advertising, friends, family), because then these folks may start to believe that society only values them for their adherence to society's definition of beauty, which is unreasonable, empty and false.
You are a determined, ambitious, fun-loving person, from what I've read. You are destined for so much more than just fitness and proper diet.
My simple advice... Would be to abandon fitness blogs, abandon television, reject the magazines if you read them, and focus on your definition of yourself as defined by you. Focus on your story, not the story that the experts are writing. I know from personal experience that while advice can be helpful and motivational, it can also be impossible to follow and takes up a big chunk of time. The more I read about something, the more time I spend soaking up something, the more I obsess over it - which is why I have to break up my time and do many things.
Maybe this all sounds incredibly cheesy, and if it does, at least you know that there's somebody who empathizes with you and wants you to succeed... YOUR way. :)
We all struggle with stress every day. That is what life is. You have to remember that you alone are in control of what you put in your body. We all have to make choices every day. Some of our choices are good and some not so good but only you are in charge. No one else can make those choices but you!! You have to decide that you are worth good choices! Keep exercising and making healthy choices. I am glad you are going to the gym.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are blogging is great. Keep it up..you are helping more people than you know!
At least you are aware of why you are eating.That is a big step. You are not disgusting. You are beautiful..I've seen your picture!
Remember that only you can make the healthy choice to stop hurting your body.
Lots of water helps me and may help you stay cool until your air is fixed.
Life gives us all roadblocks and challenges. We have to remember that food doesn't fix anything. Never has, never will.
You are not a baby. It sounds like you just grew up a little in this blog.