Parties, Friends, Cookouts...Oh My!

The title of this post says it all. I've been bad. There has been no eating plan followed. In fact, the plan has been, let's eat everything in sight (at night when no one can see me)... preferably those things high in sugar, fat, and sodium (like smores, chocolates, pizza, chinese, cupcakes-w/ lots of icing, ice cream, etc... Things have not been good. I will not be venturing to the scale for a long time.

I do know that this has been an abnormal weekend. I've been to parties where lots of food was served, I've had outings with friends I haven't seen in a while, and it's Memorial Day and bbq and ice cream will be served. I intend to indulge! I know I'll get back on track once work starts. I know I will. These circumstances are not normal, and good grief, I can have a couple days of not caring!

I have not given up on exercise (in fact my entire family is doing Jillian's 30 day shred before we eat), and I intend to start everything back normal tomorrow. I know I will. (I know it.... I hope...)

Man......

Man... I'd give anything to take these 5 hours back. Right now I'm going to go curl up in a ball on my floor and think about what a disgusting thing I've just done.

I'm sure you can guess... I'll go into details later if I have the heart, but right now I feel worthless and like a failure who has forgotten all of the hard work I've put into becoming healthy.

I failed today..

Always A Struggle

So, I know it's been a while since my last entry. There haven't really been a lot of changes. I'm just trying to stay on my plan and doing what I can to avoid slip-ups.
I've been on this plan for a couple of months now (refer to previous entries for the plan), and it seems to work when I stick with it. I've noticed some patterns that seem consistent with this plan.
Patterns
-I'm heaviest and the most bloated at the beginning of the week due to "Fat Sunday"
- I'm lightest on Sunday morning after having a week to recover.
- I want to binge in the middle of the week (usually Tues. night/Wed. night.)
-I feel bloated after eating any meal or snack
-I'm very hungry at meal times and after workouts regardless of previous calorie intake.
-I can't seem to recognize when I'm full until I'm too full, especially at dinner.
-I still enjoy working out very much and my body is no longer sore from excessive exercise.

These last 2 Wednesdays, the urge to binge has been almost unbearable. I wish I could determine the cause so that this urge could be prevented. Through the grace of God, I have not indulged in a binge. It was very difficult. I spend a lot of time on the internet trying to find ways to beat the urge. Here is what I did these past 2 times:
Strategies
- took a nap
-avoided vending machines/carrying loose change
-confided in friends
-text messaged asking for advice
-stuck to my meal/exercise plan
-stayed busy at work
-drank more water
-cried and complained
-walked Bella
-researched and blogged about binging
-allowed 1 sweet treat (pretzel m&m's 150 calories)

There is no cure except time. I know the urge goes away, and I know how I'll feel if I give into the urge, which is a feeling of uncontrollable guilt, along with obvious massive stomach issues associated with excessive eating. When you binge, you eat foods high in calories, even when you know you're stuffed. You inhale the food and you aren't really tasting it. You're basically eating for the sake of eating; not fueling your body with the essential nutrients it needs. So what's the point of a binge if you're not even tasting and enjoying the food? I really wish I had a good answer for that. What I do know is that I've had the strength to "just say no" during my last two urges, and that is an extreme success for me.

Last night, I realized that I still have a problem with allowing occassional sweets. I feel like I've cheated every time I eat something sweet. Last night, I was in a room with people who were eating a delicious looking birthday cake, and I refused it. I looked unappreciative and appeared unsocial, I'm sure. UGH!! I've got to get past this. I need to realize that I can have sweets (in moderation) and it not be a big deal. I mean, I work out all the time. I can have a sweet every day and not worry. If only I could allow myself to let go. I'm not as healthy (by my definition) as I thought.

My blog suggests that my walk continues. My journey is far from over. I may be done with losing weight, but with that comes a whole new set of issues that I'm going to have to face.

Thanks for sticking with me and pulling me through this. I couldn't get through this without your support.

...Why?...

My lovely food addiction has reared its ugly head today. All I've wanted to do is eat. It all began when one of my students brought me my favorite type of cookie- a humongous, decadent black and white cookie. Every fiber of my being wanted to devour it on the spot, but I was strong and placed the cookie in my purse. Every so often, I would check my purse to check that my cookie was still there for when I was ready for it.

Since then, I haven't been able to keep my mind off bingeing. All I've wanted is that cookie, topped off with Bojangles, cookie dough, pizza, peanut butter, oreo cookies, and anything else that can't escape my grip. My urges are so strong and they really take a lot out of me. I tried to get rid of the cookie, but no one wanted it. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. I know this is not normal. I wish I could figure out where and why these urges occur. That way I may be better able to prevent them. It's truly miserable. What became of the cookie? It's sitting in my freezer waiting for the perfect moment to be eaten. So far so good...

How have I handled it today? I really don't know that I have. I've tried talking to everyone I trust about it, and I've researched how you can prevent a binge before it happens. However I still want to go to the store and indulge every piece of sugary goodness I can. I can't promise that it won't happen since the day isn't over yet. I'm truly at a loss and it's really upsetting me that I'm not as in control as I thought.
I've also stuck to my diet plan and ate when I was supposed to. The only problem with that was, I inhaled my food without really enjoying it, and the food made me even hungrier, making the urge to binge stronger. How frustrating is that? That doesn't usually happen! I also made it to the gym for my hourly cardio workout today, which should make me proud, but it's really giving me the urge to say "you've worked out, a binge won't hurt."

So why today?? I really wish I knew. It makes it hard to think about anything else, which is really bad when you're in a classroom full of students who depend on you for their education. It's now 7:00 p.m. and I've wanted to binge since 8:00 a.m. I've been very strong all day, but it's been a huge struggle. It's not over yet. So now I go to choir to try and distract myself even more.

Does anyone else go through this? Do you allow the binges? How do you fight them?
PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE

I was successful. It is now 5:30 a.m. on Thursday. I did not binge yesterday. Right now, I consider that a MAJOR accomplishment. I hope today is easier.

"Graduation"

***First of all, I want to give a shout out and congratulations to everyone graduating college this season. You've worked hard and it's paid off. Good luck with all of your future endeavors. We're all very proud of each of you.***

Sometime in the midst of my journey over this year, I had my own "graduation." This graduation was from the "Fat Girl's club" to the "Skinny Girl's club." However, I still don't know when this "graduation" took place. This is mainly because I've always been "The Fat Girl" and I still view myself that way. I'm the same person. My personality has not changed, just my appearance. I don't feel like a different person mentally, so it makes it difficult for me to see myself differently physically. My weight changed, my "self" did not. I don't know if this makes any sense or not. I'm told one day that I'll get used to it, that my "outer and inner selves" will synch up, but I'm not so sure. I suppose only time will tell.

I mentioned that on the trip that I just took that I was able to do a lot of reflecting. Some of that reflection was on all of the changes that have taken place as a result of my weight loss (besides my change of appearance). I'll admit, I've already forgotten what it was like to walk around the world 120-ish pounds heavier. (Part of me (a VERY small part) wants to just have all that weight back just for a second, just so I can really feel the difference and appreciate what I've accomplished.)
On my trip, my friend and I were in a coffee shop and I happened to be wearing shorts. She made the comment that a year ago, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing those shorts. She was right, and I had forgotten that. It made me very emotional (I actually teared up), and it caused me to think about what else has changed. I've only just started this list, and will add to it as I think of more things.

Changes I've Noticed
-My ability to run long distances and energy to perform strenuous workouts frequently
-My increased competitive nature and drive for a physical challenge
-My ability to cross my legs comfortably, or sit "criss-cross applesauce" in chairs
- My confidence in my legs to wear shorts in public
-My confidence in my arms to wear sleeveless/spaghetti strapped shirts in public
- My ability to move furniture around my classroom without breaking a sweat
-Constantly being freezing while before being constantly hot
-My awareness of the food that I put into my body; my food choices in general
-Getting "honked at" more often by people passing me in cars (hopefully not for bad driving!)
-Being treated better by people in grocery stores, restaurants (haha! mostly...), and the like
-I'm more receptive to the compliments I receive
-No more chest pains!!!
-Normal blood pressure
-I smile more (added by my Mom!)

There are many more changes, I'm sure, I just need to do more thinking. When changes happen this quickly, it's hard to take it all in. That's partly what this blog is for, I think. Once I realize more, I'll add them to the list. Anyone who knows me can feel free to make note of any more changes they've noticed. :) (And as always, comments from anyone are welcome.)

Thanks for reading as I continue to discover "the new me."

Have a healthy day!

What is Healthy?

Hey everyone!
Sorry it's been a while. I've just been plugging away on my new diet/exercise plan. I'm enjoying it and it seems to still be working! YAY!! I'm loving the variety. I'm tolerating the elliptical, but I haven't chanced the stationary bike yet- (I'll get there, Sarah :P). I feel like I'm sort of getting maintenance figured out and how to be successful for a lifetime. The way I'm doing it now is certainly more manageable than the way I was doing it before, with overexertion and unnecessary hip/leg pain. While my calves are still sore, the pain is subsiding, and I am (hopefully) becoming a "healthy woman at a healthy weight" instead of an "unhealthy woman at a healthy weight."
(Did I mention that I experienced true "Runner's High" on Sunday? I think it's because my body is not as exhausted and bored from daily 4 a.m. runs.)

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and a lot have reflected on what being healthy really means. There are lots of good insights and it got me thinking. I think being healthy means something different to everyone, at different stages of their journeys. To some, being healthy means finding strategies to get the number on the scale to decrease. To others, it's making healthy eating choices and staying active. Most times it's a combination. Some consider healthy as a feeling. I can tell you that my definition of healthy has changed over the course of my weight loss/maintenance journey.

At first, when I was heavy, being healthy was about the scale number. I wanted to get to that goal (originally 130). I wanted to be considered "in normal range" by BMI standards. I realized though, once I got there, that there's more to it than that, at least for me. Being healthy is about feeling like you've got it all figured out. It's about being able to incorporate exercise and healthy eating habits into your daily life, along with the occasional splurge. Being healthy is allowing those treats in moderation, and not feeling guilty. Being healthy is a calm, subdued feeling when you've realized that you are finally in control. It has taken practice with me. I don't know that I'm completely there yet because it's taken me some time to work out kinks. I do know that I'm headed in the right direction, and feel more in control everyday. If I'm not "healthy" yet (by my definition), then I'm definitely on my way there- and I've never felt better!

What is your meaning of "healthy?"

Lauren

Update...

Well, it's been a couple of days since I've updated here. I wanted to give my new plan a try to see how it seemed to be working. I formed the plan on Monday after my trip, and really started the plan on Tuesday. Here's what I think so far...

I know it takes the body longer than 5 days to adjust to new eating habits, but so far, I'm really happy. When I got on the scale this morning, I saw no change, which is what I'm looking for. So my "flexibility" is working, so far! I did make one change. I added in a 30 minute elliptical session on Thursday, just because I felt like it. (I know, weird, right, but oddly refreshing.) So on the trainer days where yoga isn't scheduled, I'll probably do a 30 minute elliptical session. Who knows. It's been really nice eating "real meals" with my family. I've also allowed myself one sweet a day, and it seems to be curving binge cravings, so we'll see how it works. I'm just waiting for the ball to drop, you know? Hopefully it won't.

In other news, I've been tracked out of school (work) for the past 2 weeks, and I'll I've been doing (besides my trip) is laying on my couch, sleeping, eating, exercising, and reading blogs! I know it seems completely boring and lazy, but I can tell my body needed the rest. :) I'm looking for a good movie or book to read on my last few days. Any suggestions?

Have a great Saturday!! Love to all!